This piece was presented at the event organised by BIC on 20th May 2023 called ‘Worlds Words Weave’. The author has chosen to remain anonymous. It represents a change from coming out to acceptance in the form of scenes. TW: Self-harm.
Scene I
In my room, I have closed the curtains. The afternoon light pinches my eyes and I decide to lay down for a while. The comfort of cotton on a hot July afternoon & the air is already chill from the AC. Then I hear you coming back, the familiar sound of you closing the car door, of walking up to the door with your keys, slightly pushing to not disturb us in our slumber. Then you enter Ma, check on me if I slept. I didn’t. So, we make chai and sit on the bed. You look at me. Quite a few times. And then again. Again.
What’s wrong?
Nothing.
Are you sure?
Then the sobbing begins. As if reaffirming the absence of grief meant to betray your motherhood.
Ma, I need to tell you something.
Tell me.
Those cuts you saw, they were mine. I didn’t get into a fight Ma, I did that myself.
Well, I did get into a fight. I fought my skin to the point of erasure. Tried to leave no mark of self.
Why would you do that to yourself? Only weak people do that. Look at me, why did you do that? Are you weak?
I am not weak, I did it because I was hurting. I need you to listen. I think I’m gay. I like boys Ma, I am not into girls.
How do you know that? Stop thinking about it. Stop it. I will hit you. Stop it. You are going to talk to your dad. Stop thinking like this. Do not go around making life harder for yourself.
I am not making anything harder. This is me. This is who I am.
You let your bullies get to you. They made you believe all of this. Why don’t you stand up for
yourself? Why did you let them do this to you?
Nobody did this to me Ma, this is me.
It is not, stop it. This will ruin your life. Don’t ruin your life.
You will talk to your Dad about this.
Please don’t do this Ma.
I have to. You will destroy yourself.
Scene II – At a wedding, over a phone call with my father after coming out to my sister (as if distance will reduce the pain)
Stop making a scene. If you cry, I will tell everyone the shit you said. Sit down. Do not make a scene. I am calling Ma and telling her all of this. I was having a perfectly good night, why did you have to come and ruin it? You’re so disgusting. I’m texting Ma. I’m calling her too.
Over the phone, it is the father. It is always the father.
Is this what you are? How are you my son? You will never see my face again. I want to hit you.
Hit me then, don’t keep me at the edge of violence. In or out.
Over texts, Ma and my sister talk.
Ma, he is disgusting.
I know. I am sorry. He is disgusting. But just handle him tonight. Don’t let him do anything stupid
Scene III [3 years later, over lunch]
Your dad and I would never not listen to you, why would a parent hurt their child?
You hurt me, Ma. A lot. You never listened. Don’t act so generous.
When did that happen?
That night. You remember it. You called me disgusting, Ma. Dad said I am dead for him. Is that how you treat your own kid? I have thought of myself as a mistake for 2 years now Ma.
Then she cries.
We are sorry. I know you’re hurting. Let it out.
Ma, what did I ever do?
Scene IV [Talking about university]
My university is very accepting Ma.
Of what?
You know what.
Do you still feel that way?
Of course, I do. You can’t scold it away. See it like this, ideally, I would have been with a girl. But I just like guys, but see I’m still your son. I’m the same Ma.
It’s just a little hard to understand. But I am trying. I didn’t try back then. It was new. New
information. But now I am trying.
I know you are, Ma. I am glad you are.
I am sorry for whatever happened. We didn’t know back then. We just didn’t want you to end up suffering. We didn’t understand. We got scared. You are our youngest, we only want you to be safe.
It’s okay Ma, I understand.
Your dad will take some time. But he is my responsibility. You don’t worry.
I know.
We don’t care about the ins and outs of your life. We just want you to be happy.
I’m happy, Ma. I’m really happy right now.
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